Friday, 27 May 2016

Nobiords Committee Meetings in memory of Jim Veale


 Margaret Thatcher and Nobirds have a lot in common a lot more than it seems at first glance. Margaret Thatcher ruined just about everything in her time, the Unions, Miners, Argentina etc etc and
Nobirds have ruined Bird Watching in Northern Ireland, the NIBA Bird Report, humour, bird recording and common sense. There is another similarity Nobirds have there own Iron Lady who controls things with some well polished Nature Treks, large rimmed glasses and those slacks well Dennis would be proud. Looks wise there is something going on as well! But when your a control freak your also a bully, being a bully is not big and not clever! Isnt that right Margaret!
Here is a made up committee meeting Chaired by the Big Cheese at the local Tennis Club. It was members only so Harry, Garry, Barry, Omar and Nelly had to pay £30 each to get in but that wasn't a problem as they took it out of NIBA funds, no wonder there is nothing left. Rumours still persist to this day that Larry once went out Bird Watching for nearly a whole day in Northern Ireland and he went on roads that his IPhone said were "unsecured". These are scurrilous rumours
Remember at this stage no one knows if the NIBA still exists, who are NIBird?s and what exactly do the NIBARC do and what or from who is their mandate? We need Donald Trump urgently!


Margaret
 "Who thinks there was a Belted Kingfisher at Coleraine, raise your hands"
Nelly
 "no fucking chance" More chance of a Moorhen in a Herring Gulls nest in fact more chance of Larry going out to the Cricket Club with trousers that are not ironed
 
Margaret
"  You stupid fuckers, like this, raise your hands like this when I speak"

Omar
"Sorry Fromage, there was a Belted Kingfisher at Coleraine, it had a big crest and everything and it was fishing like a Kingfisher, not like our Kingfisher but a different type of Kingfisher, fuck me Maggie has gone mad, he will be on the Polish records committee next!

Margaret
That's better you numpties. Here is how you go birdwatching let me educate you, you do it on your Iphone, you don't leave the house. Now who thinks there are flocks of White Tailed Eagles and Golden Eagles in NI? Now tell the truth you losers, anything less than an Apple phone and youre out of Nobirds

The whole of the NIBA / NIBirds / NIBARC
"NOPE!

Margaret
" Garry, Barry, Harry and who the fuck are you two? are you totally fucking stupid
Raise your hand like this you fools when I ask a question!"

Barry
"Sorry Larry please forgive us, we have all seen the Eagles, loads of them but we thought they were Buzzards, what do me know youre the supremo but come on the NIBA doesn't exist it has been wound up and Murphy McGarry is looking money for the projects, conflict of interest? And we know your looking more money for some Chinos "

Margaret
""Garry, do you believe in the American Eider?"

Garry McGarry
"I do I do Larry I believe in the American Dream, not the fucking Eider it looked and sounded like a load of bollix"

Margaret
"That's more like it Garry, now that lovely Night Heron who believes that?"

Nelly
"nope not a fucking chance, a Grey Heron in a tree, Barry just wants to play his flute and Harry just wants to bang his drum, leave us alone"

Margaret
"Fuck you twats, your making me mad
like this, like fucking this, raise your arm when I ask a question no matter how fucking stupid"

Omar
"sorry Larry, sorry"


Margaret
Now listen closely you numbskulls who thinks the Green Woodpecker is a load of shite!
 
Harry
" yeah Larry more chance of fucking woody the woodpecker by the way your looking a bit camp in those leather trousers!!

Margaret
" Fuck off you fools. This is the one that could be real!! It has everything going for it, seen in a wooded area, good for Woodpeckers and seen by observers familiar with them in England, bingo! And I am sure they have sound recordings because only a fool would put out such a claim of a heard only bird, a MEGA without a sound recording. It would take an even bigger fool to report this sighting as fact without hearing the sound recording, I will put my own hand up then"
 
Nelly
But Larry Larry you went to look for it
 
Margaret
Are you boys mental, we had to it was reported to us and if we didn't go they would think we didn't believe them and then maybe they wouldn't report more calling female Cuckoos to us, remember they have found about 3 rarities between them ( 2 of them never seen again mmmhhmm) in NI in 10 years, we don't want to miss out we don't. So what we will do is go down for 10 minutes report a sighting from there to make it seem as if we were there for hours and then nip round to the Qouile and Killard and see some real birds and be home for 10 o'clock cocoa
 
Garry
Larry you're just so wonderful, can I join your Tennis Club to watch you play and hold your towel for you?
 
Margaret
Garry no chance you have a Pulp Album you will be found out and anyway you don't own any Tennis shorts?
 
Harry
Your so masculine Larry, just like my hero Margaret
 
Margaret
"Now boys, who thinks there was a possible Corncrake!"
 

"me sir, me sir, it is so fucking sad that we are now reporting possible Corncrakes! What bird sounds like a Corncrake? A fucking Corncrake!!"
 
Margaret
Yo you lot now how do we turn that Scaup in Ballycastle into an American Scaup? Big kudos to us.
 
Omar
Larry can I borrow your Lough Beg sandals? They are cool and by the way that Garden Warbler in a tree in Tobermore sounds very dungy and the one on Rathlin dundi doo dungy dungy
 
Margaret
Fuck fuck fuck, Lammergier boys we need a Lammergier, raise tour hands
 
Harry
Larry I love you
 
Margaret
"Now everyone Fuck off im reading our new Bird Report 2009 -2015"
 
In Memory of Jim
 

Thursday, 19 May 2016

Night Heron

Another day another Nobirds Mega, they are on some roll!! Once again no description or contact details of the finder, classic Nobirds. One of these days one of these rarities will be real but because no believes Nobirds anymore no one will go and look for them. Number of birders who went to look for the Belted Kingfisher 0, numbers of birders who went to look for the American Eider 0, numbers of birders who went to look for the flocks of Eagles 0, numbers of birders who went for the Night Heron so far 1! Which at least is an improvement. Keep up the great work guys!!
We are due another Tawny Owl!! Its that time of year after a period of Easterlies, the old Nobirds favourite Weather systems! Who can forget the Steppe Buzzard!
A little poem below not influenced in any way by REM "Nightswimming"


"Night Heron"

Night Heron deserves a top billing

The photograph on Nobirds taken years ago,
 Larrys turned around backwards so his creases doesn't show.
Every Nobirds Report reveals a picture in reverse
Still it's so much clearer

I forgot the Belted Kingfisher at the water's edge
The moon is low tonight

Night Heron deserves a top billing
I'm not sure Nobirds understand
It's not like years ago
 When they did reports
The recklessness of Flapline
We cant see Harry naked
These things they go away
Replaced by every day

Nights Heron,
remembering that night
September's coming soon
I'm pining for a dead Spoonbill
And what if there were two
Side by side in Dromantine Lake?
The bright light that is Garry McGarry
Could not describe a Night Heron

 Larry, I thought I knew you
 Larry, I cannot judge
 Larry, I thought you knew me
This one laughing quietly
Underneath my breath
Night Heron

 Nobirders all reflect
Every Nobirds Report a reminder
Night Heron
Deserves top billing
Deserves top billing

Monday, 16 May 2016

American Eider

The big news this weekend in Irish Birding terms was the Nobirds breaking news of an American Eider in Ballintoy Harbour. Amazing news and it has went somehow under the radar, American Eider (species / subspecies, whatever is your poison) in Northern Ireland wowser!! There have been no previous Northern Ireland records and in fact only one previous Irish record a Dressers Eider in Donegal found by El Supremo and a Pacific Eider in Finland! For a reasonable resume of all things Eider see below!
http://thedowneastduckhunter.blogspot.co.uk/2008/10/four-subspecies-of-common-eider-in.html

The Nobirds photograph clearly shows an Eider of some sub species or other the fact you cant see the frontal lobes is interesting! Best move on here are some Early Purple Orchid photos from the Antrim hills







Wednesday, 11 May 2016

Beagles

 Flip me its still all mad in Nobirds Land with at least 21 Eagles now on the loose in Northern Ireland. Presumed, suspected, badly photographed, not photographed, escaped, captive, wild, presumed wild, presumed escaped I think the only thing we can presume is that Nobirds need their ears cleaned out a job for Larry I think. People are ringing them up and saying we have seen a Beagle and Nobirds guys are going all flippity folppity and reporting them as Eagles all over the show. This shows the problem with reporting unsubstantiated claims it just encourages the general public to report more of them, simple but beyond the grasp of Nobirds. Hiding behind the old "we just report what is sent to us" is cowardly. What we do know is that there is at least one genuine White Tailed Eagle and two Golden Eagles seen in the period April / May. Whether these three birds are genuine vagrants, released birds or escapes no one knows. Eagles are wide ranging birds especially White Tailed Eagles and without descriptions or good quality photos no one knows although from photos ive seen at least two of the sightings refer to the same bird. April / may is the time for Golden Eagle in Northern Ireland so the situation is probably not any different to any other year when we have a White Tailed Eagle and near annual Golden Eagle on the loose. There are however plenty of Beagles on the loose in Northern Ireland, some more photos from Lesvos!
















Monday, 9 May 2016

Belted Kingfisher Nobirds Style!

What a shambles Nobirds made of the Kingfisher, if only they had published the description. Majella believes the sighting and with a nod to Shakespeare and Larry's well pressed slacks and Garry's funny funky routine and Hairy Harrys Kingfishers know how and who is Barry, I think this sums it up nicely! As Judge Judy says I don't keep her because she is a pretty face!


Sonnet Number 155   
(Taking Up Where the Bard Left Off) 
 
 
Me and ma' homies gone fishin' for a king 
with ma diamond binoculars just hangin' wid ma bling. 
 
We headin for da river… 
 
I neva neva 
could believe a 
birding-diva 
 
so we just gotta see a 
 
bird on the Bann - oh man, I freakin’ feel sick! 
What if it’s a trick and ma homies don’t getta tick! 
 
Dis bro’s not from da hood; hes a ‘yankee’ (just like me), 
I wanna see his shaggy crest while he’s sittin in da tree. 
He’s gotta cool blue band, kinda like an awesome belt, 
Man, he’s the slickest, cool-hand (‘hey, luke!’) evva dealt. 
 
This twitch is rockin’… Castle-rockin’… man, I’m flying high 
 
to the Cutt - 
cut to the chase, 
man, in-ya-face 
I can’t erase 
 
the mega message on the Nobirds blog - man those guys, 
 
they got me singin’,  
and ringin 
 
Flapline!  I love them dudes, I wanna marry  
Larry  
and Barry 
and Harry 
and Garry,  
 
all the freakinMcGarrys! 
 
So, dis king, he’d betta be there or ma homies will git mad, 
dis record betta be true coz birding-baloney, it’s just so sad! 
 
I’m  listin to win it, 
but if it’s lies, 
just bin it, 
 
it’s only birding, 
init! 
 
 

Friday, 6 May 2016

BELTED KINGFISHER PHOTO!

Eddie Izzard  once said on stage in the Ulster Hall there is more chance of a Nobirds Report appearing on my doormat than there is of me seeing a Belted Kingfisher in Northern Ireland. Eddie known for his rapid wit and repartee and his offbeat tangents was kind of half right and half wrong. In a Louis Theroux expose it turned out Eddie didn't own a doormat and just rented a door (he couldn't get a mortgage as comedy is just seasonal). Why hasn't anyone made Oceans 15? George Clooney must be nearly 60 by now and will they ever make another Fight Club? The first rule of flight club is don't send Nobirds a tenner, that will be the last you will ever see of that! Majella once heard a Belted Kingfisher, this is a true story and I didn't believe her, absolutely true, five minutes later we were watching Belted Kingfisher and all this took place in Ireland. All this didn't take place in my mind but in County Galway and even more surreal five minutes later Larry McGarry appeared can it get anymore weird? Yes it can because just 2 minutes later Larry disappeared not to Hooded Merganser heaven but to Achill Island, I often suspected Larry was actually Emu because he always looked as if Rod Hull had his hand up his well pressed slacks. But I digress I haven't seen an Ivory Gull in Northern Ireland because lets face it who has? Norman Milligan once found an Ivory Gull in Bangor but moved to Scotland to avoid press intrusion. Walter H Veale one of the nicest men on the planet and he also knows an inordinate amount about ancient monuments in County Down once seen an Ivory Gull and then some people seen his bare arse, another true story! Mr Crory also seen an Ivory Gull but kept his not very well pressed trousers on but bizarre as it seems a Belted Kingfisher once turned up at Dundrum just yards from his house and his dad shot it, it gets even more bizarre. For punishment his dad was forced to open a shoe shop in Newcastle until Donald Trump became President of the USA it all links. Dave Hadrick who hasn't even seen a Kingfisher in Northern Ireland is forced every Easter to go to Cyprus to watch large gull species in Cyprus by Gull Floozy Orcilla who has found new ways to tell Hugliens from Black Headed and Little Gull from Belted Kingfisher  Dave once proclaimed from his garden "I cant see anything without my glass of cider"
So ladies and jellyspooons was there a Nobirds Belted Kingfisher? The photo above tells us that there was a Belted Kingfisher in Northern Ireland (thanks to my mum Mrs Charles for the above photo)

Wednesday, 4 May 2016

Glossy Ibis

 Some shockingly bad photos of  the Portmore Glossy Ibis! Bad yes they are but much better than the Nobirds Golden Eagle and even better than the Nobirds big expose the Belted Kingfisher! At long last I met the Nobirds Mr Birdguides at Portmore and she was hiding right under my nose, it is none other than Majella Callaghan who found the Portmore Garganey!! Nobirds for some reason did not report the Portmore White Tailed Eagle that Ed Ohara found, very strange!