Monday, 17 January 2011

The Field Identification Guide to the Breads of Northern Ireland

Soaring above the intellectual low-points of all our previous posts we (Mr. Cheeseman and myself) have decided to rise to the challenges of our competitors and take identification to a whole new level. Within the yeasty island of Ireland there are historical / political divergences in bread identification that can lead to disastrous loaf choices that can't deliver when it comes to drawing in the dirty old gulls.

To put an end to all this doughy madness we have sweated and slaved to bring you 'The Field Identification Guide to the Breads of Northern Ireland' - the first major scientific work on the most important breads from one of the most bread-diverse countries in the world, providing a unique insight into gull-bread relationships and shedding new light on what it really takes to succeed in seagull searching circles. At a reasonably priced £19.95 no birder should be without one - we know this will be popular so we're already working on the 2nd Edition.

Fig. 1: World Bread Production

Soda Bread - no Ulster Fry would be without it and neither would any self-respecting Ross's Gull. The absence of recent records of this species is directly linked to erroneous dough nomenclature. Also available as Treacle and Fruit subspecies. Beware of un-farled imitations

Wheaten Bread - This is Wheaten Bread not Soda Bread. Suffering an absence of sub-adult American Herring Gulls? Then this is the bread for you - due to a magical secret ingredient (possibly PCP) this bread has the same affect on them as PCP on humans. We repeat this is Wheaten Bread not Soda Bread

Veda bread - the shangri-loaf of malty goodness. Best suited to attracting biggees such as Glaucous-winged Gull. It is thought the sheer stodginess of this product in a gulls stomach slows it down long enough to be able to hit it with a copy of Olsen and Larsson

Potato Bread - we do not accept Boxty or Tattie Scone. We're not really sure what the ingredients are in this one but it's a favourite of Ivory Gulls (but not tinned octopus according to our first hand research)

(Strawberries Optional)

Belfast Bap - yes, hear it here first - the bap was invented in Belfast over 160 years ago. Any other bap that says otherwise can fight this one and will lose, so it's true. A perfect trap for unwitting Glaucous and Iceland gulls - get your baps out and they'll do almost anything for you as evidenced by the plethora of Belfast records of these species

Ulster Fry Pizza - we have to admit, nobody is likely to imitate this outside of Larne. There are legends of a deep fat-fried Ulster Fry Pizza out there (with a few battered Mars Bars on top for seasoning) but  these are likely just fairytales......or are they? Anyway, if you were foolhardy enough to concoct this travesty you'd probably get a flock of Thayer's with a supporting cast of Sab's, Laughers, Frankie's and Swallow-taileds. Don't eat it whatever you do!


= early retirement from birding?

Please Note: All these breads are copyright of and remain the intellectual property of Northern Ireland plus possibly the 3 other normal counties of Donutgal, Crouton and Muffinghan.

Be warned though - if you're on the SeaRat Express to Killybegs then you've really hit the skids! Just ask Derek - he'll tell you the tale of a life squandered. Hopefully now, thanks to our investigations, people like Derek will be able to find succour on those lonely Killybegs mornings by correct seagull sustenance through increased scone awareness.