Saturday, 21 January 2012

The Cloaca 21st January

Hello people of the universe and welcome to our irrelevant letters page - The Cloaca. A mixed bag of letters this week but the general theme is the same - would the nobirds team please hand back the stolen money from people they have tricked in their giant pyramid bird report scheme and where are the missing 28 Bonaparte's Gull photos?


Dear Pricks,
How dare you slur my good friends the McGarry Brothers! They are quite the most honest and genuine people I know and your accusations of impropriety regarding the late publication of their bird report is monstrous. I am quite prepared to wait another four years for the production of their 2009 report but that's because I'm absolutely loaded - I use ten pound notes to clean my bottom. All of those people who are complaining about having to fork out £10 per year for the last 3 years in order to receive a single report are scum as far as I'm concerned.

Yours smuggly,

Mr. Fred Goodwin




Dear Nobirds,
I hope I have got the right address as there seems to be some confusion between yours and another website. I would just like to ask when your bird report is coming out as I have a table with a wonky leg and need something to prop it up. In fact, I don't want to spend ten pounds but rather would like one of the many hundreds of unsold reports that you have produced in the past. That is, of course, unless you've thrown them all in the bin. If you can't help I believe there is a man living in Co. Down who has over 150 of them. I might ask him instead. Can I have my ten pounds back please?

Yours Sincerely,

Arthur Scargill.




Dear Sirs,
Can you please explain to me what your website is all about? I have no f~cking idea.

Yours faithfully,

Stephen Hawking




Yo Birdwatching People,
Where are all these Bonaparte's Gull photos the nobirds team claim to have? I think you should take the piss out of them something rotten. They deserve it - all this talk about 'we are here to educate' when they couldn't even educate a fart. Well done so far - keep sticking it to them, I'll have a word with the big man up there and see if I can talk him into visiting a plague on them or something. 

Take it easy dudes,

Moses