Saturday, 21 April 2012

The Cloaca Returns

Yes, it's been far too long so here's some of the correspondence we've received over the last few days for our famous letters column 'The Cloaca'.......

Dear Sir,
Do you think there will be any recipes in the nobirds report when it comes out? My wife has bought a butternut squash for tea and I'm unsure what to do with it

Yours hungrily

Mr Rod Hull (deceased)

Dear Sir,
I see you have received a letter above from Rod Hull. Please can you forward any details onto the police as I am pressing charges against him for putting his hand up my wotsit. I knew if I waited long enough he'd come out of hiding. I never believed he was dead.

Yours fluffily


PS If the nobirds team aren't charging for membership does that mean the next report will be free?

Dear Sirs,
It has come to our attention that you have been receiving letters from people masquerading as Rod Hull and his puppet Emu. Please can you send us any information you have on these individuals as we have reason to believe they are responsible for several pyramid bird report schemes in your area. They go be several aliases but most commonly use the names Larry, Barry, Harry or Garry.

Yours Sincerely

The Police

Dear Sirs,
How's she cutting hey? Information we have received leads us to believe that yis are the victim of a practical joke carried out by the pop band 'The Police'. We have issued warrants for the arrest of thon geordie fella Sting and them other blokes. We would advise you in this situation to keep yer high hand low.

All the best and take her handy 

Police Service of Northern Ireland