Wednesday, 10 October 2012

Moth of the Day

Garden Rose Tortrix.

Ordinarily I would say "what do you think of that Derk?" but seeing as it seems he's living in my house (under the floorboards) and not on holiday at all I don't need too. God knows how he got in there but it's ok I've checked and any holes have been I've blocked up. So he's trapped - all I need to do is sit here with Big Betsy on my lap and blast him to kingdom come. Derks are well-known as being an elusive quarry - they often come out at night and the only sign that they've been there is scratch marks on the skirting board and little bits of pellet-like faeces. They are increasingly becoming a pest and have been documented in all parts of the island in recent years. Governmental advice is to shoot on sight and then drag the carcass through the streets of a local town tied to the back of a car whilst whooping loudly. You can also collect a bounty by cutting out the tongue of the offending animal and handing it in to your local police station. Spiteful creatures that they are most Derks cut out their own tongues shortly after birth just because they don't like the idea of anybody earning a living.

Do you hear funny noises under your floorboards?

Do you find little bits of poo on the worktop in your kitchen?

Do you find that food containers have holes chewed out the corners?

Then you might have a Derk.

If so, and you are worried about child safety, exit the house as soon as possible and set fire to it. This should flush them out and you can open fire. Lob in a couple of hand grenades for good measure.