Name: Andrew Crory
Aliases: Jimmy Bird, Arnold Boring, Bob Shaw, Wiggy
Date of Birth: 12th of July 1977
Status: MIA. Presumed dead (resurrection not ruled out)
Likes: Bands come out and celebrate his birthday and sometimes there’s even improvised fireworks
Dislikes: Larry, Barry, Harry, Garry and Captain Stinko
Reality Check: Doesn’t care really about the McGarrys
Favourite Foods: nearly a vegetarian but prepared to kill / pick meat up off the tarmac. Gastronomic endeavours include: moorhen, great tit, redwing, mistle thrush, herring gull, hooded crow, magpie, jackdaw, rook. Dislikes chicken.
Regrets: Starting a blog and asking for bird sightings, buying the Ghostbusters 2 single by Bobby Brown.
Favourite Birds: Lesser Yellowlegs, Baird’s Sandpiper, Cattle Egret (the last one is a lie)
Andrew was born on the planet Chickin, before being rocketed to Earth as an infant by his scientist father, moments before Chickin's destruction. Discovered and adopted by a Kansas farmer and his wife, he was raised as Andrew Crory and imbued with a strong moral compass. Very early he started to display superhuman abilities, which upon reaching maturity he resolved to use for the benefit of humanity.
When nobody ever said thank-you and began making up false complaints about him Andrew, disillusioned by the state of bird-associating in Northern Ireland, spent many months in a cave grinding his forehead into the gravel floor as penitence for throwing shoes at the faces of the McGarry Brothers. His only sustenance, apart from short bouts of cannibalism, was small droplets of ale carried to him in the mouths of micro moths. It was during this period that Andrew became Arnold, Jimmy and Bob at the same time (Wiggy for short) and they all had a revelation.
What this revelation was nobody was quite sure but along their split personality travels they came across an injured Derk with a broken wing. They raised the pitiful Derk to grow up to be kind, just and avoid seagulls. Everything was wonderful in nibirding land and much fun was had poking the McGarry Brothers on a daily basis until Derk found out that he was not Arnold’s son, Bob wasn’t his ma and Jimmy didn’t exist at all. When it was revealed to him that Derk was actually the illegitemite child of Leonard Charles and one of the McGarry brothers Derk went of the rails. He started drinking tea in large quantities, sometimes with sugar in it, sometimes he would even drink it without milk. That's when he started snorting crackpipes and snorting bongs of acid. The confused and angry Derk lashed out and began posting reams and reams of gull photos, hoping to obliterate all the good work in nibirding land.
This fractious struggle allowed the nobirds to gain the upper hand and now all the birdwatchers in Northern Ireland, and beyond, live under a black cloud of despair, waiting for the day when Larry, Barry, Harry and Garry ship them onto cattle trucks for a quick delousing shower. Arnold/Jimmy/Andrew didn’t care - after amassing a fortune through running the famous nibirding blog they shot themselves in the head and left all the money to the Saudi Royal Family. Or so the story goes - some people have it that the bullet ricocheted round in his largely empty skull before popping out his poop chute and that he walk away and joined the priesthood. There are rumours that his glorious, untainted and inspirational spirit lives on and that one day cohorts of nibirding warriors, armed with those machetes the ghurkas use and machine guns, will descend from the heavens to smite the Nobirds Super McGarry Incorporated…..but I wouldn’t hold your breath.