Friday, 25 May 2012

The Suspicious Death of Andrew: An obituary


 
Name: Andrew Crory

Aliases: Jimmy Bird, Arnold Boring, Bob Shaw, Wiggy

Date of Birth: 12th of July 1977

Status: MIA. Presumed dead (resurrection not ruled out)

Likes: Bands come out and celebrate his birthday and sometimes there’s even improvised fireworks

Dislikes: Larry, Barry, Harry, Garry and Captain Stinko

Reality Check: Doesn’t care really about the McGarrys

Favourite Foods: nearly a vegetarian but prepared to kill / pick meat up off the tarmac. Gastronomic endeavours include: moorhen, great tit, redwing, mistle thrush, herring gull, hooded crow, magpie, jackdaw, rook. Dislikes chicken.

Regrets: Starting a blog and asking for bird sightings, buying the Ghostbusters 2 single by Bobby Brown.

Favourite Birds: Lesser Yellowlegs, Baird’s Sandpiper, Cattle Egret (the last one is a lie)

Profile:
Andrew was born on the planet Chickin, before being rocketed to Earth as an infant by his scientist father, moments before Chickin's destruction. Discovered and adopted by a Kansas farmer and his wife, he was raised as Andrew Crory and imbued with a strong moral compass. Very early he started to display superhuman abilities, which upon reaching maturity he resolved to use for the benefit of humanity.
When nobody ever said thank-you and began making up false complaints about him Andrew, disillusioned by the state of bird-associating in Northern Ireland, spent many months in a cave grinding his forehead into the gravel floor as penitence for throwing shoes at the faces of the McGarry Brothers. His only sustenance, apart from short bouts of cannibalism, was small droplets of ale carried to him in the mouths of micro moths. It was during this period that Andrew became Arnold, Jimmy and Bob at the same time (Wiggy for short) and they all had a revelation.
What this revelation was nobody was quite sure but along their split personality travels they came across an injured Derk with a broken wing. They raised the pitiful Derk to grow up to be kind, just and avoid seagulls. Everything was wonderful in nibirding land and much fun was had poking the McGarry Brothers on a daily basis until Derk found out that he was not Arnold’s son, Bob wasn’t his ma and Jimmy didn’t exist at all. When it was revealed to him that Derk was actually the illegitemite child of Leonard Charles and one of the McGarry brothers Derk went of the rails. He started drinking tea in large quantities, sometimes with sugar in it, sometimes he would even drink it without milk. That's when he started snorting crackpipes and snorting bongs of acid. The confused and angry Derk lashed out and began posting reams and reams of gull photos, hoping to obliterate all the good work in nibirding land. 
This fractious struggle allowed the nobirds to gain the upper hand and now all the birdwatchers in Northern Ireland, and beyond, live under a black cloud of despair, waiting for the day when Larry, Barry, Harry and Garry ship them onto cattle trucks for a quick delousing shower. Arnold/Jimmy/Andrew didn’t care - after amassing a fortune through running the famous nibirding blog they shot themselves in the head and left all the money to the Saudi Royal Family. Or so the story goes - some people have it that the bullet ricocheted round in his largely empty skull before popping out his poop chute and that he walk away and joined the priesthood. There are rumours that his glorious, untainted and inspirational spirit lives on and that one day cohorts of nibirding warriors, armed with those machetes the ghurkas use and machine guns, will descend from the heavens to smite the Nobirds Super McGarry Incorporated…..but I wouldn’t hold your breath.

The Demise of Derk: An Obituary






Derk was born on the 4th July 1955 in Ohio Texas, the 8th Son off an 8th Son. His childhood was uneventful apart from a nasty incident with a pack off Racoons and six strawberry milkshakes. He joined the US Marines aged 15 and immediately went to Vietnam where he single handedly beat the Vietcong at the “Battle of Cheeseburger Hill” useing only a single revolver and his wit against 30000 gooks all armed to the teeth.
His house was decorated in recognition and on his demob he immediately went to Newfoundland where he fell in with a female Kumliens Gull (a hybrid gull) and a male Kumliens Gull (a hybrid gull) and the three off them lived happily on a cliff near St Johns for several years.
 During the day Derek worked in a hardware shop where soon he built up encylopdic knowledge off all the various tape measures that they had in stock and went on to write various identification papers on spring loaded tape measures. He was the first Guru off his time.
At night Derek partied with his two gull mates and they often took LSD and this lead to several nasty incidents with the locals especially a Polar Bear called Nancy. Derek left suddenly however and the reason for his departure to Ireland was never clear although he has several nasty gull bite marks to this day mostly on his nether regions.CSI Newfoundland were called but nothing was ever proven and despite 2 weeks off waterboarding Oswald and Harvey never confessed. Well they might have confessed but no-one could understand the squaking.
Derk never again spoke about Oswald and Harvey the two Kumliens Gulls.
Part of Dereks heart must have remained in Newfoundland because he could often be found on Malin Head reading out loud “The Lament of Harvey Oswald” at twiglight. He always stood in the same position faceing North West and local legend has it that every winter Oswald and Harvey visited Killybegs for several weeks.
In recent years Derek ran a hairdressing salon at Killybegs and often regaled sailors with storys of the Bering Sea and when he fished out of a rowing boat.Derk said he caught Sperm Whales with his bare hands. Locals knew the stories weren’t real.All the Sailors who came in to get their beards trimmed were Phillipino they didn’t know what the fuck he was going on about anyway.Derk built up a collection of over 4000 episodes of the "Greatest Catch" and he got most of his adventures from the programme. Recently he put them up for sale on EBay and is reported to have sold the entire collection to John Paul Getty Junior for over $4 million dollars.
On Mondays when the Salon was closed Derek could be found fishing for Mackeral off the main pier or else birdwatching around Rocky Point looking for Migrants. He used to look at the Vectors on the weather map every night and when they looked Mega he would walk the 15 miles to Rocky. He seen many rarities but never told anyone as he didn’t know Flapline existed and his only friend was a black and white horse dappled horse called Clive.
One day fed up with the rain and constant nagging off the Glaucous Gulls he got a bus to Dundrum where the first person he met was Leonard Charles. Leonard quickly made Derk aware of the many problems in Newcastle and they quickly picked up dozens of Dolphin Chokers on the beach all marked Tesco.
They conversed over Muffins and Chicken Soup on a local cafe and by chance Leonard told Derk he was also a birder and was Newcastle's top lister. Leonard showed Derk the local Afuana and Derk quickly added  Alpine Swift, Red Rumped Swallow and Grey Phalarope  to his rapidly expanding Irish List.Before they both knew it it had gotten   rather dark and Leonard took Derk to his illegitimate sons house Andrew Crory where he ran a Brothel. Andrew was the result of a liaison with Andrews mum one night outside the Bucks Head Disco in Dundrum but no-one ever spoke about it ever again.However Leonard never forgot his son and brought his weekly presents, mostly empty bottle and broken biros but its the thought that counts.
Derk had no money to pay for his keep but Andrew done a deal with Derk where he gave him a bunk bed and as many eggs as he could eat in return for Derks stash off gull pictures. Derk posted these pictures on Andrews Blog NIBirding. This was a great arrangement until Derk started to go crazy and start posting hundreds of pictures of hybrid gulls. Andrew had to get rid off him somehow. So everynight at dinner Andrew upped the number off eggs in Derks nightly omelette to 24 and also provided pints off strong larger laced with cannabis that Andrew had brewed in the Attic.
Derk suspected something was up but the constant stream of raritys at Dundrum like Pacific Golden Plover and Upland Sandpiper rendered him unable to break free. One famous attempt to break out ended in farce when Derk enlisted the help of the buck stupid Co.Down Pantymime Horse. How stupid was he as the Pantymime Horse stood on the nest of the local breeding Snowy Owls and got arrested. Derk was returned to the brothel where his intake off eggs was upped to 36 a day and LSD and Diamond White was added to his drinking water.
Derks major organs could only take 2 years off this abuse and sadly he passed away on Thursday 24th May. He will be sending Rarity Tweets from heaven so sign up and anyway the Larry McGarrys will probably rip off his sightings anyway.
Its been fun but Elvis has now left the building.......

Last from Stephen

Stephens moved on to pastures new after marrying this swan, having sex with it and having these cygnets


A Wave Goodbye

Hi Andrew (and Derek)

Thought I'd drop a final moth bomb before the NIBirding core implodes and rips the fabric of reality to ribbons. An appropriate Common Wave from last night's garden trapping to say goodbye! Just to let you know it's been worth tolerating all the irrelevance and irreverance for the laughs and good photos, and thanks for giving my photos a bit of public exposure too. Hope you two make up (!) and may there be many rarities for y'all this year.

Sam Millar


Im a gettin outa here (Armageddon)

Dot became very sick throughout the night. She tried many remedies to get relief,reading the last Nobirds Report and squeezing her White Rumped Sandpiper teddy bear but she found none. She tossed and turned continually, at times it seemed unbearable, yet she continued to ring Flapline. The prayers didn't seem to be working instead it seemed as if Satan and his hordes of Larry McGarrys were in her room. Dot Cotton did not get a moment of sleep, nor did she recieve any rest. Dot cried to Hugo Duncan and his word resounded Armageddon!
Dot did not understand what Hugo Duncan the wee man from Strabane was saying to her. Little did she know that Hugo was breaking through for her, defeating Satan and the McGarrys. Understand, that this word Armageddon which is pronounced ( ar mah ged un ) is actually the mountain of megiddo- the site of the final battle of this age, in which Hugo intervenes to destroy the armies of Satan into the bottomless pit of Lough Beg. Revelation 16:16 says " And he gathered them together into a place called in the Hebrew tongue Armageddon. " Just as this woman experienced the power of Hugo  breaking through for her, defeating Satan and his hordes of McGarrys. He is breaking through for you in your situations, as you are experiencing, what may feel like the worst time in your life, yes believe as of today that Hugo the puke is bringing you out victoriously.
We are fast approaching Armageddon that final battle where at Armageddon the Bottle of Buckfast Wine and the fierceness of Hugos wrath will be poured out, and the forces of evil will be over thrown and destroyed. Revelation 16:19 says " And the great city was divided into three parts and the cities of the nations fell: and great Babylon came in remembrance before Hugo, to give unto her the cup of the wine of the fiereceness of His wrath."
I encourage you to endure the process that, Hugo is allowing in your life be faithful, for your process is neccessary. Hugo is preparing you for Armageddon, that final battle where the King of Kings (Leonard) and the Lord of Lords (Andrew) with their mighty armies will ride triumphantly over all evil. In fact evil will be no more, after the battle at Armageddon is won! Allow your Hugo to equip and make you ready and found worthy to be at Armageddon!!!

Im defianetly getting out of here...

Hope for the future Nobirds report

Although many have expressed surprise and disbelief at the following fact and revelation, it is certainly true that my links, The Nobirders and I, have not shared that many minutes together in a hot tub. We are of different worlds and different spirits and to rectify such a situation I decided on the spur to visit them at a cave  at Ballintoy they had rented to specifically compose the Nobirds 2009 - 2012 Bird Report, for after time spent on holiday in Iceland, I was anxious to know if matters had changed. 
 On my arrival I was greeted by four characters. Garry White, who had just been proclaimed Master Of The Universe by a pirate station in Blackskull run by a retired colonel Jedemiah Forlorn.
Harry McGarry who I espied on a clifftop alone with nothing but his sweet voice singing out into the clouds and a large parrott on his shoulder.
Larry Funk, who sat naked in front of the sea on a deckchair shouting, "stop I say, hold thyselves, my parts freeze," as the waves rushed past him, and Master Barry McGarry sat by a bonfire, splendidly clad in a lame blanket and hard at work on one of Stravinsky's unfinished works he had come across in a disused priory.
 Once we were gathered together and had fallen into clitter clatter chatter, it became blue sky clear that The Nobirders, whilst holding even faster to their political and moral beliefs, had been through changes,  their minds broadened even further by travel, dialogue, literature, cinema, poetry and a recent fancy dress party held in the Lansdowne Court Hotel.
 Different emotions and feelings were now surfacing and it was these they stressed that they wanted to incorporate into their Nobirds Reports of a future time. "Nothing is complete." said Barry stroking his thinning hair, "our suitcases get heavier by the day. But remain assured no customs officer will rummage through my essentials."
 A fair point and even Larry Funk was moved to say, "our days are just beginning. I know that some people feel that because our faces are firmly eyeballed we have nothing more to offer. They are manifestly wrong and I'm entitled to say so, for although our Nobirds report is crammed with the roar of life, its little foibles and major elements, our wisdom teeth are only just about to come through. They bite hard I promise."
 Dear reader, look forward every day. these unfinished tomes are but just starting.  

Meet the Nobirders

 Its the final Mad Friday,so why not, so meet the team!

Garry White is the first McGarry in the history of contemporary birding to actually grow younger as the years pass. When he joined the quality ranks of The Nobirders he was a mere 18 years old. His current passport now places him at 12 years of age. “An old Red Indian chief, who I bumped into at a neighhour’s Tupperware Party, gave me the secret”, Garry explains. “and I’ve been practicing it ever since. Mind you, my Equity card came in handy as well.” 

Larry
Grandmaster Larry Funk, now boasting the most extensive wardrobe this side of Portglenone is currently filming “That Haircut”, a self written, produced acted and directed epic which will last no longer than thirty five seconds and is already the talk of legal departments all over the land. As well as running an inimitable forgery service for retired deckchair attendants, the Grandmaster remains unfazed by all the fuss. “It’s minimalism rather than mini skirts he quotes but then isn’t that always the way?” He promises that one day we will find out for sure. 
 
Harry
Unexpectedly Harry has found himself in the middle of the fight against censorship aligning himself with the forces of good to allay the public’s sense of humour. Organising marches and holding various soirees in the Peatlands Park. Harry has also found time in his busy schedule to work on a modern opera entitled, “The Death Of A Snorkel” to be performed at all the country’s leading Universities. “A chameleon? Moi?'' he expresses with evident surprise, cancelling yet another trip up the Zambezi

Barry
Having given up the ghost of bee keeping and re-claimed his title as chess champion of two continents, Barry now contemplates a future as a classical interior decorator for the stately homes of Europe. He says “my grooves are rare and the air l breathe fair. I know the nation will agree with me.” Always on the lookout for antique car tyres, you’ll never catch Barry with newsprint on his face.
 
 JEDEMIAH
Jedemiah Forlorn is a new recruit to the talented forces of The Nobirders, Labelling himself as a Renaissance Par Excellence kind of chappie. Jedemiah has a past cloaked in mystery and intrigue with some saying he was the mastermind behind the allied forces invasion off The Copeland Islands whilst others believe that he single handedly set up the Hollywood film industry and a very dubious line in second hand apple carts,  both of which he admits to having extensively  upset over the years. whatever his past, it is generally acknowledged that the public at large will welcome with open arms the forceful voice of Jedemiah Forlorn
to the skilful ranks of the Nobirders

Final Ever Fridays Gulls

 I know this was the highlight off the week for many! Above a Thayers / Kumliens / Seagull
 A nobirds Kumliens Gull (the rest off us call it an Iceland)
 Third winter thingy
 Adult thingy
 Thayers Gull, yippee!
And the star off the show!

Goodbye from Murlough

 Thanks to Ronald Surgenor for these farewell shots from sunny Murlough. Ronald had several sightings off the Pantymime Horse but was unable to get the killer photos!




Sad and lonely photo

Sad and lonely was another favourite charcater of ours. He is off course completely fictional but we were sent this photo by our southern correspondent Gordon Bennett who tells us the above picture is the real sad and lonely. No wonder he see's so many rarities that no one else ever does and rumour has it thata he is in fact the son off the Co.Down Pantymime Horse,better not go there me thinks!

Co.Down Pantymime Horse identity revealed

Everyones favourite character and now its our last day we have to unveil his identity. He was such a naughty horse, turning up at every rarity and then trampleing it to death. Many rarities were never seen after the arrival off the Pantymime Horse and there has been much speculation over who was under the Prat Hat. Now its time to tell you who it was. It was father and son team Leonard Charles and Andrew Crory. Andrew was the back end and Leonard steered the ship. Its obvious when you think about!

Nobirds new photo blog creates a stir

Yes the Nobirds photo blog goes from strength to strength and is causeing a stir in the Cat World as this photo shows! The fields now open for those Nobirders we hope things improve dramatically but we wont be holding our breath!

Thursday, 24 May 2012

Nearly time to go

there's just over 24 hours to go until meltdown - you may as well look at these micros while you can



It was all Derks Fault

It would have been so much better if gulls didn't exist. Here's an Aethes peircei


The last ever bird news from NIBrding

There is no bird news, this is Northern Ireland. We will leave it to the Larry McGarrys,i do hope they dont rip my sightings off. Thanks to Ian Dickey for this Hare photograph. Tomorrow we will out the Pantymime Horse and there might be a picture off Sad and Lonely!

ps we are not jokeing this is the last bird news ever, its all over its Andrews fault.

King Biscuit Time

That was a good band - yer man out of the Beat Band. Ken Clegg likes music - although he likes dressing up in womens clothes he also likes a bit of Megadeth, Metallica and Manfred Mann. How do I know this - because he sits across the road from my house playing that crap late at night. He's stalking me, or rather he's stalking my biscuits - I've tried everything to get rid of him: amaretto biscuits dipped in antifreeze, custard creams with strychnine and flapjacks dosed with paraquat. I just can't get rid of the brute - it seems my life will be spent watching my biscuit supply dwindle daily and Ken sneaking into my garden to take pictures of my breeding birds like the ones below. It might be time to load up Big Betsy with a couple of shells and see if I can slot him - put an end to him, just like this bloody blog (that Derk ruined)



Spanish Pantymime Horse

Thanks to the Mad O'Callaghan for this photo taken in Barcelona. It shows the Spanish Pantymime Horse. We will unveil the identity off the Co.Down Pantymime Horse tommorrow!

Is this the best photo ever on the blog?

Of course it isnt but its another Dave and Orcilla classic. Thanks to the International Crime duo for all their support. Yesterday at the High Court in Belfast Dave and Orcilla both fot 20 years each for smuggling 6 tonnes of Cocaine into Ardglass. We wont be seeing them anytime soon!

One Swallow doesnt make a summer

 But two do! Thanks to Ian Dickey for these great Swallow photos. I think we have all enjoyed Ians photos and paintings (although many of the birds were stuffed) Ian is off to live in a colony of Penguins in the Falklands so these are the last photos of his ever on this blog. Thanks very much Ian.

Wednesday, 23 May 2012

The blog might be ending....

.....but Ken Clegg is still stealing my biscuits. I'm a man of the world and always say people can follow their own path in life. So I have no problem that Ken Clegg is a transvestite - not all the time, kind of like Eddie Izzard. That's fine, I have no problem with that .......but what i do have a problem with is opening my biscuit tin and finding a fox's crunch cream half eaten with lipstick on it. He's been in my house again and what do I find on Ken's facebook page this afternoon? A picture of a Golden Oriole that was in my back garden the other day - the tranny swine!!!


Derek is in prison

Yes, that's right Derk is in prison after handing himself in and confessing to the following crimes......

Absconding with a wheelbarrow

Being in possession of an Iceland Gull with intent

Getting his zoom lens out outside a primary school

Selling marijuana

Stealing a rabbit from the local pet shop and then pulling out all its teeth with pliers

Illegally entering the Republic of Ireland with contraband veda (sure, we've all done that one)

Poisoning sheep

Rustling sheep

Sheep Interference

Ovine neglect

Spreading herpes (the bad kind, not the one you get on your lip)

Being a member of the Communist Party

Smiling too much

.....................Here's a moth of some sort or other




Real Bird News

Here's a really pretty bird. What's that you say? It's not a bird? Well, I couldn't give two poops as this blow is about to implode in around 48 hours. I'm away to Peru to follow the trail of Derk and find out where he hid all the cocaine, where he breeds the black ducks and dig up all his buried treasure


One from the last Bird News Wednesday 23rd May

 Thanks to Ian Dickey for a rare picture off a ringed Dunlin!
 
In Co.Down:
Male Garden Warbler seen and heard singing this morning at Lagan Lands East - opposite Annadale allotments - competing with about 15 blackcaps. About 100m down the path, through the trees on left at edge of open ground.
(Dermot Hughes) 

This is the penultimate bird news and i think its time to announce that Andrew still eats Farleys Rusks and sucks a dummy tit

Hare Imprisoned

Thanks to Ian Dickey for this shocking photo of a Hare trapped inside the Nobirds Compound. It only went in 2 years ago to see if the Nobirds Bird Report 2009-2012 (cost £40) was ready. It wasnt ready and Hartley has been locked up ever since and will be released in 2 years time when the report is ready. Its a sad story

3 From Ballymacormick

 Thanks to Stephen Maxwell for these 3 photos from Ballymacormick Point, Groomsport includeing the ultra hard to photograph Sedge Warbler!


Nutts Corner

There is a new Neighbourhood Watch scheme currently in operation at the RSPB Reserve. Thanks to Brian Douglas!

And now for something completely different...

A nice posh five star hotel in the middle off nowhere.........

Blue Tits in Maghaberry

 Blue Tits have nested successfully in the grounds off Maghaberry Prison for the first time. Long term inmates Dave and Orcilla Hadrick have reported that they successfully fledged 8 young. Great news what can you say!

Andrew talks a load off......

Bull!

Bird News Tuesday 22nd May

Thanks to Ronald Surgenor for this photo off a Bonxie at a top secret location! Its never an easy bird to photograph!

In Co.Antrim: An adult Meditterean Gull was at Glynn


In Co.Down: A Roseate Tern was at Belfast Lough RSPB Reserve

Thats it, no wonder we are quitting, that and the fact Andrew dress's in his wifes dress's at the weekend

Tuesday, 22 May 2012

Nobirds release bird report

Don't be friggin stupid - of course it's not!! Here's a moth - it's green


Derk admits defeat

Yes the blog is coming to an end this week because......

Derk is a big wimp

Derk is actually switching sides to the nobirds team

Derk owes me at least £400 and a telescope

Derk is joining the priesthood because he fancies a fiddle

Derk has developed an allergy to computer keyboards

Derk is wanted by the Inland Revenue

Derk is bi-polar

Derk cannot forgive himself for the time he drowned a puppy

Derk has scabies, west nile virus and gonorrhea

Derk left his heart at Killybegs

Derk has soiled his underpants

Derk has recently been convicted of shoplifting a copy of Ireland's Own

It was Derk who initially reported the Black Duck at Ward Park


here's a lovely moth



Pectoral Sandpiper the rest off the photos!

If only we had off thought off the idea off another blog for bird photos. We havent stopped laughing since, 2 awful blogs now instead of one! Classic.You gotta love the McGarrys and to think they will get a free run shortly after this ends, years and years off Buzzard and Grey Wagtail photos too look forward too! Yippee