Friday, 25 January 2013

The Great Nobirds Bake off

 Inspired by recent events, all charcaters as usual are fictional, except for maybe Stephen Maxwell who may or may not exist!!!:

 The Black Duck Gateux, dead just like the Nobirds Black Duck, Ward Park Black Duck

once upon a time......

Larry’s eyes were the size of the cups in which they served coffee in.

"What? What the hell? When did I... I ask you to shoot yourself in the foot again?"

"You didn't?" A blunt Seagull type voice came back. But you shot yourself (and us) in the foot by non voting your friends on to the records committee. To hell with the rules of the organization you went and got two people from outside Northern Ireland who don’t bird or live here and shooed them in without telling anyone? Talk about shooting yourself in the foot. And who is going to pay for their flights over to the committee meetings (twice a year) put them up in hotels and feed them?

"No! What do you think?" Then, reality dawned upon Larry. He closed his eyes and balled his fists. His teeth were gritted and his anger was at its peak. "Oh shit! What's Harry going to think?" He opened his eyes and pursed his lips. He wouldn't have been surprised if there were really flames coming out of his ears and nose. “I know we will just use the membership fees. £10 a year for nothing, if they are stupid enough to pay it then we might as well use it to pay for flights and meals out, sure how would they know?”

"Harry was really furious when you shot yourself in the foot, now what's going to happen when he finds out you done it again?"

This time, Garry too was dumbfounded. The magnitude of his actions had not struck him before, but now, it struck him a little too much. Larry heard something strike the tarmac. He turned around; he saw Harry gaping Garry and Garry’s false teeth had fallen out on the tarmac. Larry’s phone stumbled out of his hands, but Larry quickly got hold of it and swallowed. Anyone got 10p to ring Flapline, we need to know about Waxwings and where that bloody Black Duck is, I wish somebody would re-find it. We should try but none of us do any birding in Northern Ireland, do you think anyone would notice?

"Harry," Larry began, hesitantly.

Harry knitted his eyebrows; he was really hairy and looked at Garry. "You shot yourself in the foot again?" His face was red and surprisingly, no tears. No tears at all. He looked shocked and was trying to calm himself. He crossed his arms and inhaled through the gaps in his gritted teeth. "Where is the flippin Nobirds report?"

Then Larry looked at Garry and Garry at Harry and Harry at Barry and everyone burst out laughing. “Nobirds report” they chuckled “We will tell them it’s at the printers” Everyone laughed harder, Larry’s glasses near fell off and Harry’s back began to sweat. “£10” Barry squealed and another round of laughter began. Garry picked his teeth up again and put them back in; he could laugh harder with his teeth in.

Harry wasn’t clever and the rest of the boys used to take the piss out of him. Barry winked at Larry, this always unnerved Larry as he didn’t know if Barry was for real and was hoping for a bit of tom foolery behind the hide. But this time tom foolery wasn’t on Barrys mind as he asked Harry “Any ideas for the report Harry”

This was the chance Harry was waiting for a chance to impress Larry.
 No-one has ever seen this man and Stephen Maxwell in the same room. Stephen looks like everyone. Even im confused!

“Funny you should ask Barry but I have as it happens. We could do the “Great Nobirds Bake Off” We could have Jimmy Saville aka Stephen Maxwell as a judge, he really does look like that guy and maybe Mary McGarry as the other judge.
Stephen Maxwell takes revenge on his beloved Veda

 Each McGarry could bake a cake maybe have Barry baking Juvenile Rough Legged Buzzard Buns or Larry could rustle up a Maderian Petrel Cake or a Ring Billed Roulade! Black Duck Gateux now who would bake that could be a show stopper? And Green Woodpecker Sponge is right up the heavy breather’s alley; Richards Pipit Suppressed Struddles anyone?, the list is endless and myself will be cooking the delicious sounding but still hilarious Co.Down Pantymime Horse Pasty!
 Choux Lesser Whitefronted Geese

We could then have the judges tasting the delicious baked products and either accepting or rejecting them

Larrys eyes lit up, yes you could be on to something but we would have to bring in judges from outside Northern Ireland, big names of the baking world, we need big names, think of my legacy.

Barry looked on thoughtfully; he was the ideas man, carried Larry’s binoculars for him when they went on their foreign trips. “Guys I think I’ve got it, to hell with the Nobirds Bake Off. Why don’t we steal other people’s sightings use them on our site and flapline / lifeline then pass them to third parties. We could re brand ourselves and call ourselves “The Northern Ireland Sighting Snatchers” Has a nice ring to it”

Larry glared at him “Barry we do that already but we do it sneakily, we are much too clever for everyone else. Even when people write and ask us not to use their sightings we go ahead and use them. We then forward them to other websites and recording bodies. It gives me much kudos in the birding world!”

Garry despite being the funny one was also a worrier “But Larry isn’t that illegal and unethical? And how can a record be a record with no name beside it? Doesn’t the sighting belong to the observer?”

Larry was tapping his foot now and was getting bored with the numpties who surrounded him. They didn’t understand. He was determined to make a name for himself and these guys were holding him back, they were only good for keeping costs down on foreign holidays.

Garry’s brow furrowed even more “But Larry. Any organization that takes money off people have to have all rules in written form, a set of audited accounts, an AGM, have committee members elected on a yearly basis, have committee meetings, answer correspondence etc etc. What happens if someone asks us where all the money has gone? We can hardly say we are jetting committee members in using air miles we have lying around? People will know we are using their money for reasons it’s not meant for. And why have we got committee members who don’t live in this country anyway? Are there not people here capable of doing this? We don’t get any rare birds in this country and the ones that we do we have fucked them up. Larry remember the Brown Flycatcher, Booted Eagle, Pallas’s Warbler, Debacle Teal….??? Wrong wrong, wrong, wrong we have got everyone of them wrong?

Larry was losing patience, no-one understood, they were all stupid. “Garry. Of course we have people here who are more than capable. But they are not the big names, big names Garry, we need big names, more Kudos for me. Think big names Garry for goodness sake.

Garrys brow furrowed even deeper, he was that far gone he couldn’t even do the funny thing he done when in these situations. “But Larry” Garry then listed the members (bar one) of the records committee one by one and asked “what rarities have any of these guys found in Northern Ireland in the last 10 years?”
All the other McGarrys burst out laughing, you see Garry was the funny one, he was funny when he wasn’t even trying, the sign of a true genius.

Barry looked a little forlorn but he wasnt for giving up, he truly was Mr Ideas. "Larry Larry, ive got a great idea"
Larry gave him the stare, Barry wouldnt look him in the eyes as he knew he would turn to stone.
"Larry why dont we change our name to the Northern Ireland Biodiversity Association? Its the in thing, come on who only wants to look at birds. We could put on photos of Foxes, Flowers, Orchids, lovely furry caterpillars, whales and dolpins, butterflies although im not sure about those manky moths"
Larry fell to the ground and started to shake violenty and screamed "arggggghhhh"
"But Larry Larry, there is money in it, we could charge people more money and we could get more big names in"
Larry stopped shaking and poked his glasses back into his face "Charge people more and bigger names you say, big names and more money, i like the cut off your jib young Barry?"
"Yes Larry we could charge people double and we could ask Chris Packham to join our committee. You could become his best friend and with peoples membeship money you could fly him in and out whenever you wanted, we wouldnt tell anyone honest. We could also do away with Flapline, save even more money"
Larry rose to his feet and stood on the box that he carried around for just such an occasion.
"Northern Ireland Biodiversity Association, that is a brilliant idea of mine, all mine.

“Who cares if we shoot ourselves in the foot?” Larry menacingly said as he reched for his pinny.