Sunday, 17 February 2013

Larrys Proclamation.


We awaited them, prepped in our best although Andrew was getting daggers because of his moth eaten hat, he was smiling, he had a secret to keep. Ronald smelt of fish as usual and there was a trail of crumbs under Ian’s chair, he had been nibbling at the Veda again. Stephen well he was Stephen, he was wearing his tag round his ankle. He had been given 2 years suspended for stealing women’s suspenders off a clothesline in Conlig. Stephen asked for 4,850 other offences to be taken into consideration. But the suspenders were never recovered by the police and Stephen did seem to be a little uncomfotarble sitting in his seat, perhaps he was wearing them again under his black velvet slacks.
Majella was sitting in her new frock and mink coat which she had bought off some knackers in Tullygally and was reciting “Shelley’s Mask of Anarchy”in her best Armagh accent. Her mind was somewhere else, a chance meeting with Willie Frazer on a mountain top road near Derrynoose had turned her head. Willie was a handsome devil and a dab hand at the pyrotechniks to boot. She reckoned she had a chance with him and after the Proclamation she was off to the Markethill Johnny Loyalist shop to buy 6 Flegs. Union Jack Flegs, this would impress Willie when she would have another "accidental" meeting with the loyalist heart throb

Leonard was counting his list from his 2 day visit to Peru, he was up to six but was struggling with the Pittas. Christine would have been there, she wanted to be there but she was walking her 12 labradoodles, a result of a chance meeting between her pink labrador and a doodle dog on a beach at Doagh Island. Christine couldn't part with any of the pups but had to name them all Simon as they were completely identical, apart from one of them Simon who had a green tail instead of a pink one like the rest. Simon was her favourite because he was different.
Beethovens 6th Symphony was wafting from a baby grand piano in the corner. Resplendant in his coat and tails Alistair was playing from memory to the tune of "Georgia on my mind" it was an eclectic mix so typical of Alistairs musical flair, he didnt need sheet music. He had learned this magical piece as 2 year old child after he recieved a Synthesiser and an ELO Album for Christmas.He didnt want an ELO album (although he was rather fond of Jeff Lynnes beard) Alastair was an OMD boy, but parents sure they get everything wrong.

The McGarrys were all there as well, lots of free stuff on offer they never missed a free anything. They had freshly washed skin and clothes, they fidgeted with their attire, hoping to not look like an ordinary person, but someone with respect. They were naive. Much like myself.
There was a new boy in town, Heally was his name and his head was shaped like a busted egg. No one liked him but he was offering everyone a go on his wurly burly for 5 euros for 5 minutes. Very strange and he was being shunned, the sure sign that he could become a big noise in the McGarry corporation.

For the night before, my head was unable to touch my pillow, tossing and turning restlessly. I finally gave in to a midnight stroll through the garden only to trip over Andrews moth trap, my knees were badly crazed. My candlestick burning far too fast, forcing me back to my bedroom before my eyes grew tired. I took 4 of my mothers sleeping tablets that I stole from her hospital bedside.

They finally announced the Larry's arrival.

Everyone grew a few inches just by straightening posture and I took my seat next to the Chef. I had been specially invited because they were going to tell me why they were stealing my sightings and forwarding them to 3rd parties despite my express wish they didn't, they would have a plausible explanation im sure. They also said that i could ask the Waxwing Supremo why he was taking my sightings from 3rd parties and using them when he had been expressly asked not too and why on almost every occasion he got it wrong. This would be good, i would see them for the articulate, sharp, witty on the ball McGarrys they really are rather than the bumbling buffoons they appeared to be.

The Chef had his head stuck in some loose papers, these were his NI Year list and there seemed to be a lot of writing on the pages, there was no doubt he was top of the leader board again. Keith wasn't here, he was out looking for the Green Winged Teal again. Glancing at Orcilla, she looked concerned, quickly swiping her long braid over her shoulder to play with the tail end of it out of a nervous habit. Orcilla loved gulls and only came because we told her they were going to show the movie “Thayer’s is a separate Species”, her favourite film. Poor Orcilla. She will have to wait some time before her Ivory Gull comes in. Dave was tipsy, you could tell as he was miming the time he found a Spotted Crake and was on his hand and knees under his chair calling “come out you little frigger” He always re-enacted this scence after 6 2litre bottles of strong cider.

King Larry was a tall thin man with national health glasses. He had a precise nose that pointed out a mile long and a flat face that you could easily balance a plate on. His eyes were sunken into his head and barely had lips, only a straight line that never turned upward into a smile unless he had been at the sherry.

Larry had an announcement to make. The lunchtime buffet would cost everyone £10 except if you were a McGarry, they were entitled to 2 free sausage rolls each, freshly baked by the Co.Down Pantymime Horse.But where was Don Boscoe? He was never far away from an event like this, he had wares to sell and a room full of McGarrys would just be too much to resist for the comic book genius.
 Larry took the black rimmed glass’s off, tapped the bench and proclaimed
“ We  the self appointed records committee (and invited oversea guests) accept the following onto the Northern Ireland list:
Brown Flycatcher
Booted Eagle
Baikal Teal…."

Suddenly the calm was interrupted by Dave shouting, he was unsteady on his feet as usual
"You pompous tw........"

I woke up with a start it had all been a dream,a bad dream, I had actually taken 4 of my mums sleeping pills and had slept in to 11am. I jumped up, put on my Batman coat and headed to Oxford Island to see the hybrid ducks...