The time is 0206 hrs on Saturday 8th February - this is the no-birds based fluffcast from Radio Nibirding,valid at 0000hrs
Low arriving Newcastle Co. Down 952, wet at times, sometimes blow the hed aff ye
This is a weather warning from people who know - high winds and rain will proliferate so she will, and she'll be wild blowy an a drop a rain'll no help matters. Sure'n ye'd be away wi'it if'in a'body wes thinkin thaey'd haei a bash at it and walk away without a scalder- an whorse ye wudn't get oott a yeir pit fer it seein' same's if yer on fer a day yer gan a shillin fer it, aal a laud a Zoroastrian propaganda if you ask me - sorry, mine's with pilau rice. Seriously though, no I didn't order chips, that's yer man over there, there is a high risk of nobirders and all citizens are advised to take up arms against the state and form mutually sustaining communes. Thas wha we say so we do, there ye are now, so it is.
The outlook for Saturday and the next 24 hours......
Ravens seen somewhere in Northern Ireland
Depression - long wait expected for Nobirds report
'Birders' will take photos of birds at bird-feeders
Stringers will traverse drumlins and occupy key birding sites
Pacific Diver heading south over Cork, expected before dipper returns to hovel
I like to take this time to offer my unconditional support to my acquaintance Sir Dreek Charse - I am not willing to act as a character witness on his behalf as I firmly believe he is not only dubious but plover-esque. However, in the matter concerning the accusation of a breach of the new Nobirds Inquisition Commandment of Education (2014) guidelines I can soundly say that I have met Mr, Charse at least twice and that, to the best of what I have been told, the gull in question approached him initially, not vice-versa as some have claimed. Whilst subsequent events left me feeling somewhat educated, I shouldn't imagine that the average birdwatcher would stoop so low and his defence is as alive an kicking as Shergar.
On the other hand, acting now accordance with how much his prosecution representatives are paying me, I do have to say that it's pretty odd how he was the only person to see that Thayer's Gull - those pictures don't show any discernible Irish landscape characteristics, they could have been taken anywhere. There wasn't an Abrakebabra wrapper (Ireland's premier fast-food chain!!!) about the place. No wheaten bread mislabelled as soda bread. No cheese and onion crisp packets adorned with crude, and quite frankly offensive, characterizations of Northern Ireland's highest paid celebrity folk-hero Mr Tayto. No flock of sheep in any off the background harbour shots, no green phone-boxes or postboxes and no Nobel prize winning authors walking about the place? Where are the friendly locals, nice cafes, pubs, restaurants, the reasonably priced pints of Guiness Dreek? You weren't in Ireland at all were you? I underline this argument in relation to the known fact that Sir Dreek Charse has recently travelled abroad to take pictures of young gulls. I have photographic evidence that he pays big bucks for a flash of the primaries, Your Honour. He's Guilty. In my capacity as a lowly vegetable farmer with but a mere eight chickens left after the reynard induced Gallopocalyse of 2013 I'm telliug you he's rotten to the core.