Wednesday, 19 March 2014

Oh Phuket

Thanks to a regular contributor who obviously wishes to remain nameless!
Thailand – Oh, Phuket

What follows is a cautionary tale and a warning to all those who travel to the former Kingdom of Siam, now known as Thailand in pursuit of pleasure. Be careful what you wish for….

The following episode did take place recently in the Customs Office of Don Mueang Airport, Bangkok. There are three protagonists, Mr Dreek Charles and two Customs Officers( A+B), who first noticed Mr Charles looking shifty as he waited at the carousel for his baggage:

Officer A – Please Sir, step this way, just a moment of your time, no worries!

Derek ( sweating profusely) – My bags. What about my bags?

Officer B – We collect bags Sir. No worries, boss!

Derek – If you say so..

Officer B ( twiddling his baton menacingly) – Why you in Thailand, Meester Charles?? Business, or pleasure?

Derek – Purely pleasure.

Officer A – What sort of pleasure exactly, big chief?

Derek – I’m actually hear to look at birds.

Officer A+B – Ah, we see all.

Derek – No, a really rare bird – A Spoon Billed Sandpiper – you must know it surely!

Officer B – Never heard of it. Maybe you like exotic birds, Meester Charles?

Derek – Listen, I’ve paid a lot of money to get up close and personal with this bird!

Officer A ( smiling warmly) – We understand – a man of your age takes fancies! A young bird perhaps?

Derek – You’ve got it all wrong. I’m not interested in the juveniles, I just want a glimpse of a moulting adult.

Officer B – Male, or Female, Meester Charles?

Derek ( drenched in sweat) -  It doesn’t matter one bit to me!!

Officer A+B – Ahh!, now we get you. It’s the Ladyboys you like?

Derek – No, no, no – you’re putting things in my mouth.

Officer B – How dare you, Meester Charles?

At this juncture, Derek’s phone rings. Before he gets the chance to answer it, the phone is snatched from his grasp by the nearest Custom’s Officer.

Officer A – That’s it, destroyer of our country – a Mr Crory is ranting here that he has a Pacific Diver lined up for your homecoming – you’re nicked!

Derek – Oh, Phuket!!!