Tuesday, 6 May 2014

Another Letter From Derek

Hi Andrew,
You really are a joke - twitching an Avocet at the Quoile Pondage (present at 19.40 this evening at the yacht club end on the far shore with the horses where the waders hang out). You low-listing low-life.

You make me sick - you're just a shell of a man. People say you've got a beard but I've seen it and you couldn't hide any more than 20 HB pencils in it. That's not a beard that's a wispy chin.

I on the other hand have decided to move on from the public toilets in Swatra - the people were nice, when they weren't using me as a punch bag, but they just didn't seem like the revolutionary type to me. It is often thus that the true revolutionary is at first persecuted by the unwise and the wary. Be in no doubt Andrew I will soon gather enough forces effect the full purge of society that's required to enact the beginning of the utopian state that Northern Ireland deserves, with me, Colonel Dreek Wunderbar Seagull 2nd, as the one and true pontiff. You will learn to worship me and I will force you to grow a decent beard. The ill-gotten gains of the Nobirds Pyramid Bird Report Scheme will be distributed among the needy. The McGarry Brothers will be shamed into admitting all in show trials and soon after will become a mere myth equally feared and reviled by children at bedtime around the land. Mark my words well.

Anyway, I've got to go now - I thought I might set up in the public toilets on the Malone Road but I was told, in no uncertain terms, my type aren't welcome around here and a bloke in plus fours, wearing a monocle beat ten bells out of me with a lacrosse stick. You're a tube. Beardless tube at that. Wannabe beardy. Weirdy Un-beardy. The weirdness in the beard-less. Idiot. Scab. Hasta la revolucion! Viva la muerte de los nobirds!!!

ps what's with all this Radionibirding guff - why don't you play some decent music like the Black Delta Movement?