Friday, 2 May 2014

Letter From Derek

Dear Andrew,
Thank you for your kind letter. I'm getting on fine here in Swatra - the people are nice when they aren't punching me in the face. I do wish they would stop urinating all over my cardboard box house but I guess that's what happens when you camp inside a public toilet. Every now and then some very nice people stop and push rotten fruit through the grill for me to eat, sometimes the gloopy bits drop in between the keys on my keyboard and I get electric shocks when I type but I'm still fully committed to running this blog for eternity.
I've decided to change my name to Colonel Dreek Wunderbar Seagull 2nd and will be shortly organising a militia with which to attack you and the nefarious nobirds junta. Be in no doubt Andrew that, while it would please me to see you summarily shot without trial, I will see that you pay for your crimes against the birdwatching community by making your punishment last the rest of your pitiful life. As soon as I've finished the next chapter in the SAS Survival Handbook I'll be coming over to McGarry HQ to start dishing out chinese burns.
After that the slaughter begins and I intend to instigate an anarcho-syndicalist rarities committee with show trials commencing immediately. All who stand in the way of the new republic will be exterminated, those who run will be chased down, those who have spoke out against me will have to pay my phone and leccy bill, Barry McGarry will have to wipe my bum, Hairy Harry McGarry can be in charge of my haircut and Garry McGarry will be forced to do that funny thing he does all day long for my amusement. The only music that will be permissible in this pending utopia, for it will happen mark my words, are those rousing ditties from the exalted Hugo Duncan's back catalogue. The only food available for bourgeois scum like yourself will be Sunny Delight and stale gravel while I will  dine on sturgeon eyes and smoky bacon crisps. Do not say you have not been warned.

I've got to go now somebody's come into the cubicle beside me do a number one

Yours about-to-kill-you-ly

Colonel Dreek Wunderbar Seagull 2nd