Tuesday, 7 July 2015

We Are An Utter Disgrace

Hi Derek,
Do you know what? You're right - I'm not being very funny. I guess I'm being annoying. Fair enough actually as pretending that I'm gay and that you're gay, or not gay and unaware that I think you're gay, or aware that I think you're gay. It's just not funny. None of the blog has been, really - who laughed at all the Larry McGarry stuff anyway? Larry, Barry, Hairy Harry, Garry (the funny one) and Captain Stinko - all that just wasn't that funny. Postman Pat the crocodile - I mean, come on? Touche Turtle? Mr Moustache the Flasher? Barnaby the Benone Bastard? Who could forget Clinton the Winking Pangolin? Is it really fun to make fun of a person's physical features or behaviour just because that is exactly what they repeatedly did when we attended committee meetings? I think not. No wonder the McGarry brothers won't talk to you at Franklin's Gull twitches. Then there was that time when it just was not funny and they scarpered before the peelers arrived with the sticks. Omar Sharif? not that funny, just a man who's used so much fake tan he doesn't know what colour he should normally be - not that funny, just a mediocre guy with his own issues like everybody else. All those jokes about quaaludes, pcp and heroin - all the drug references on the blog? not funny when you think of the misery that those products have wrought upon the world and, to be honest, we're showing our age - any hipster blog would only name-drop miaow-miaow, spice or chubflaps these days. Unless you're a drug addict Derek and that would explain a lot (Please don't take that as a personal insult, it's just I feel now is a time to get things out in the open). The Pantymime horse and the prolonged stories of how it contracted various diseases, the Ward Park Black Duck and what a prick it was to see (because we knew it really did exist after all and dipped on it a combination 17 times between us). We turned into a cliche long ago Derek, it was always old hat looking back upon things. Ok, some of it worked, I'll grant you that, but when push comes to shove I'll always be the funny, cool one who likes really cool music whereas you're kind of like Ernise Wise and into country music and that's just the way she goes. Following that logic that equation results with me having a heart attack and you being Jewish. No, I guess I took a wrong turn a long time ago - it was a bad idea to take it so personally that members of the Nobirds committee made false allegations against yourself and myself that members were making complaints and that in our disgust we formed our own blog which repeatedly highlighted their accumulation of member subscriptions on the premise of the production of an annual bird report, the last of which surfaced 5 years ago. Oh, how we must have thought we were humorous as we created many fictional japes and mocking situations that alluded to their 'Father Ted'-style hoarding of other peoples money on false premises. Well, of course we were wrong Derek - I would like to take this opportunity to publicly apologise to Nobirds and retract everything. 
I think it is the right thing to do Derek - I mean, what were we thinking when we started calling them Nobirds (Nee-beards in Spanish, Neinvogels in Dalek, Nobords in Gaelic)? It's not that funny, is it? Did we really spend several months of our lives rolling around on the floor laughing at that moronically simple insult as well as at them as inadequate individuals (dis-regarding all of them, erroneously, as a bunch of failed failures with absolutely nothing of interest to say)? Who are the ones who are being ludicrous? I'll think you'll find it's us not them - sure, they might give out the wrong directions, report common as shit pieces of crap from the same people repeatedly, suppress bird sightings, deliberately print information that they know is dubious, or in some cases plainly wrong, and not produce a bird report but you have to realise that they simply might not be that interested. Similarly, they might just not be very good and who are we to cast aspersions upon people who are just typical, normal, average, regular, garden-variety types? We shouldn't cast judgement on anybody - I'd like to take this opportunity to apologise to absolutely everybody who we have, may have and definitely offended such as Kentucky-Fried McSpleenjam and Sad and Lonely (who half-baked a Madeira Cake). I know you won't like it Derek but I have to publicly apologise to Nobirds again, one apology doesn't suffice for the alleged-personal injury they might possibly have felt or imagined - we should never have split from them when you think about it. Think about it, just take a goddam second and think about it - we could have achieved a lot by working together but of course we both know that and admittedly it was a bit of a shock that people who did little or nothing but take the credit for other peoples' actions should throw several thousand hours of voluntary work back in our face as if we were mere maggots simply because they assumed that they were wealthier. You'd definitely think I was being horrible in saying that but we both know I'm not - there's nothing wrong with stating the facts is there? We've just got to take it on the chin Derek - grow up, stop being so childish, change our underwear more often than we do, we could both do with a shave, and eat more vegetables. I really can't emphasise enough - when you weigh it all up we were wrong all the time. I tell you one thing Derek - we probably shouldn't have published the last 4 reports, completed the 5th one (to be published soon) and compiled the 2015 report up until the end of June - is that not a bit silly? I mean, who asked us to do that? What gave us the right to produce that for free?? It wasn't our place to do that. It just stopped being funny a long time ago. Christ, I hope I can make you see sense.
To be honest I went to see a minister the other day and told him all of this, I just didn't know what else to do? What could I do? I just kept thinking about this whole blog thing and the way we've behaved over the last few years and always came round to the fact that it was all wrong. wrong. wrong. wrong. It really mixed me up - the only thing I could think to do was to let it all out to somebody who might understand and give some words of advice. So I told the minister all about Captain Stinko and calling you gay and he told me to say 10 our fathers and 20 hail mary's and I realised I'd walked into the chapel by mistake. He nearly choked on his scampi fries when I told him I was an atheist-presbyterian. I was so confused...................

.............................That's when it finally dawned on me - I belong to the Church of The Holy Mercury Vapour. I stayed up all last night praying and flagellating, staring directly into the light, and this moth appeared in the trap this morning (buy yourself a fieldguide). Hallelujah!!!!!! I know now who the vampires are!

Can you hear the word of the Lord Derek?!