Friday, 27 May 2016

Nobiords Committee Meetings in memory of Jim Veale


 Margaret Thatcher and Nobirds have a lot in common a lot more than it seems at first glance. Margaret Thatcher ruined just about everything in her time, the Unions, Miners, Argentina etc etc and
Nobirds have ruined Bird Watching in Northern Ireland, the NIBA Bird Report, humour, bird recording and common sense. There is another similarity Nobirds have there own Iron Lady who controls things with some well polished Nature Treks, large rimmed glasses and those slacks well Dennis would be proud. Looks wise there is something going on as well! But when your a control freak your also a bully, being a bully is not big and not clever! Isnt that right Margaret!
Here is a made up committee meeting Chaired by the Big Cheese at the local Tennis Club. It was members only so Harry, Garry, Barry, Omar and Nelly had to pay £30 each to get in but that wasn't a problem as they took it out of NIBA funds, no wonder there is nothing left. Rumours still persist to this day that Larry once went out Bird Watching for nearly a whole day in Northern Ireland and he went on roads that his IPhone said were "unsecured". These are scurrilous rumours
Remember at this stage no one knows if the NIBA still exists, who are NIBird?s and what exactly do the NIBARC do and what or from who is their mandate? We need Donald Trump urgently!


Margaret
 "Who thinks there was a Belted Kingfisher at Coleraine, raise your hands"
Nelly
 "no fucking chance" More chance of a Moorhen in a Herring Gulls nest in fact more chance of Larry going out to the Cricket Club with trousers that are not ironed
 
Margaret
"  You stupid fuckers, like this, raise your hands like this when I speak"

Omar
"Sorry Fromage, there was a Belted Kingfisher at Coleraine, it had a big crest and everything and it was fishing like a Kingfisher, not like our Kingfisher but a different type of Kingfisher, fuck me Maggie has gone mad, he will be on the Polish records committee next!

Margaret
That's better you numpties. Here is how you go birdwatching let me educate you, you do it on your Iphone, you don't leave the house. Now who thinks there are flocks of White Tailed Eagles and Golden Eagles in NI? Now tell the truth you losers, anything less than an Apple phone and youre out of Nobirds

The whole of the NIBA / NIBirds / NIBARC
"NOPE!

Margaret
" Garry, Barry, Harry and who the fuck are you two? are you totally fucking stupid
Raise your hand like this you fools when I ask a question!"

Barry
"Sorry Larry please forgive us, we have all seen the Eagles, loads of them but we thought they were Buzzards, what do me know youre the supremo but come on the NIBA doesn't exist it has been wound up and Murphy McGarry is looking money for the projects, conflict of interest? And we know your looking more money for some Chinos "

Margaret
""Garry, do you believe in the American Eider?"

Garry McGarry
"I do I do Larry I believe in the American Dream, not the fucking Eider it looked and sounded like a load of bollix"

Margaret
"That's more like it Garry, now that lovely Night Heron who believes that?"

Nelly
"nope not a fucking chance, a Grey Heron in a tree, Barry just wants to play his flute and Harry just wants to bang his drum, leave us alone"

Margaret
"Fuck you twats, your making me mad
like this, like fucking this, raise your arm when I ask a question no matter how fucking stupid"

Omar
"sorry Larry, sorry"


Margaret
Now listen closely you numbskulls who thinks the Green Woodpecker is a load of shite!
 
Harry
" yeah Larry more chance of fucking woody the woodpecker by the way your looking a bit camp in those leather trousers!!

Margaret
" Fuck off you fools. This is the one that could be real!! It has everything going for it, seen in a wooded area, good for Woodpeckers and seen by observers familiar with them in England, bingo! And I am sure they have sound recordings because only a fool would put out such a claim of a heard only bird, a MEGA without a sound recording. It would take an even bigger fool to report this sighting as fact without hearing the sound recording, I will put my own hand up then"
 
Nelly
But Larry Larry you went to look for it
 
Margaret
Are you boys mental, we had to it was reported to us and if we didn't go they would think we didn't believe them and then maybe they wouldn't report more calling female Cuckoos to us, remember they have found about 3 rarities between them ( 2 of them never seen again mmmhhmm) in NI in 10 years, we don't want to miss out we don't. So what we will do is go down for 10 minutes report a sighting from there to make it seem as if we were there for hours and then nip round to the Qouile and Killard and see some real birds and be home for 10 o'clock cocoa
 
Garry
Larry you're just so wonderful, can I join your Tennis Club to watch you play and hold your towel for you?
 
Margaret
Garry no chance you have a Pulp Album you will be found out and anyway you don't own any Tennis shorts?
 
Harry
Your so masculine Larry, just like my hero Margaret
 
Margaret
"Now boys, who thinks there was a possible Corncrake!"
 

"me sir, me sir, it is so fucking sad that we are now reporting possible Corncrakes! What bird sounds like a Corncrake? A fucking Corncrake!!"
 
Margaret
Yo you lot now how do we turn that Scaup in Ballycastle into an American Scaup? Big kudos to us.
 
Omar
Larry can I borrow your Lough Beg sandals? They are cool and by the way that Garden Warbler in a tree in Tobermore sounds very dungy and the one on Rathlin dundi doo dungy dungy
 
Margaret
Fuck fuck fuck, Lammergier boys we need a Lammergier, raise tour hands
 
Harry
Larry I love you
 
Margaret
"Now everyone Fuck off im reading our new Bird Report 2009 -2015"
 
In Memory of Jim